call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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