What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize