Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
