It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
