I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He? As in you personified your dick?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
