remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
