where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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