i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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