Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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