The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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