hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
