We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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