apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
