I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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