I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
