things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
