I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
