I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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