do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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