ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
