omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize