If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
