I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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