So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
