I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
