Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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