life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
