last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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