I met the friendliest cop last night
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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