I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
