I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
