The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Two words: blizzard sex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
