my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
