She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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