Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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