someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
