Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
