What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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