She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
