where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
