I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
