why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
