meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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