also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
