I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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