Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize