I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
