I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fuck appropriateness.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
