The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
