apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
