the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
