Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
