I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
