I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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