I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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