How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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