Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We are all done wearing pants today
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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