I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
