im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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