I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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