I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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