i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
sarcasm needs its own font
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
