Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
