Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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