They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
