So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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