I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
