i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
